There’s this constant pressure in my head now. Like a constant throb. Its barely noticeable at times but i can feel it when i’m still. Everything i do or say comes with trepidation. I’m walking through a field of flowers, trying to not tread on anything and when with every misstep a plant screams in agony, like a shrill agonising pain that feels sharp and blunt like a square shaped like a triangle. And every misstep makes me stumble, offset by the shock, snowballing into some sort of collapse, almost crushing all the flowers Sometimes, when i look again, the flowers are not there. And im just freely walking through a grass field. And then without notice, the flowers appear again, and the dull ache occurs, and its a demonic cycle.
Thats how i feel.
My head hurts, maybe from the sleeplessness or from the stress. My concentration lapses, and i’m angry and ashamed when it happens. I want to throw myself into something violent. Maybe distract the pulsing with a few things i enjoy. A book, a drawing perhaps. Then im embarrassed that i feel this way. I mean, i’ve already figured it out.
Everything is relative. Things that may seem important to you can have meaning depending on the eyes of the beholder. A death of a pet may make you grieve just the same as a death of a family member. You may throw yourself in desperation to submit a report that was only worth 2% while a short speech you had the next hour was worth 30%. Why worry? In a few years these numbers and perceived significant life events will be overwritten like a mixtape. And then those sentiments are lost in the void.
Pain and perception can be relative. Your anger at some certain thing would be so minimal in the grand scheme of things. Put your pain in perspective. You may be sad about losing your phone on the train, but compared to losing your hand, its not so extreme. Instead of being unhappy about a test, exam, lost phone, friendships. Appreciate that you have your life and health and many things you take for granted.
And even though i can rationalise these things you can call minor, no matter how light i tread. And all these supposed solutions dont help. Self help books, taking omega three oils, staying in the sun to combat seasonal depression, exercising, taking st johns wort, everything i have researched in the last three years have been minor bandaids to the ache. A year will pass and everything seems fine, and then it hits. The flowers sprout and the screaming pointless ache pierce through my heels, crumbling the bone, and i feel at loss. And it cycles.
It’s likely ill get better. The feeling will pass again, and it’ll be like this never happened. Everything will be bright and beautiful and ill laugh and feel so happy and grateful to have my friends, family and life in of itself. But….. How many cycles will i live through? I don’t know which one will be the last and ill just submit to the pain, and crush the flowers.