Pacing.

The local gym that I go to about 2-3 times a week tends to get a little crowded on shopping nights.

Yesterday, I went during the night with my sister to continue my workout. The turnout was large and a lot of the time when its as busy as it was last night, half the time people do their set and leave weights around, on the floor, on the seats…everywhere.

Most of the time someone using that area tends to clean them up [the rare and few] but most of the time the mess is enough for the workers at the gym to clear up.

Last Wednesday night was messy as fuck. People left their seat on seats, weights all over the place, leaving behind rubbish. It was super disgusting.

Anyway since it was so busy and hectic I had to rush through a few sets. I get anxious when people wait on me so I tend to rush what I do. I was squatting about 150kg and on my last set I think I hypoextended my back.

I was meant to go out and hang out with a few friends for lunch today but I think I need to bail.

4 hours til class.

I have four hours til class. Im sitting on my surface ‘laptop’ surrounded by white students with their ipods and macs. Sipping on caffe lattes and their bottles of Voss water.

Across the table a young man, wearing a white shirt with stripes leans back in his chair, and brings out a box of white crackers. He laughs at his friends, talking about how much they hate the current art history lecture.

Swing.

Im starting to feel like im finally burrowing out of the moodswing.

Im going to try and do a little more positive actions.

I wrote those two sentences above just sat here for 2 minutes thinking of what to say next. My eyes and brain aches. Im feeling a little like a lost kitten. The sensation is like hesitating before doing something. Like hesitating to jump off a cliff. Like i need to do it but i dont know why yet.

men

Culturally, there have always been various characteristics that we’ve assigned to each of those genders and most people seemed content with them. But, now, in this clusterfuck of a society nobody really has any idea what to make of anything anymore. On the one hand, traditionally “masculine” characteristics such as aggression and competitiveness are considered destructive and dangerous and discouraged. But, it’s also seen as wimpy, girly, and weak for men to engage in traditionally “feminine” emotions such as sadness, empathy, and submission. So, men are ultimately left feeling empty and emotionally repressed.

How do we solve this? I’m not sure. Some men seem content embracing this emotional barrenness and incapacity to engage in any proactive behavior, masculine or feminine, while other men and pseudo-intellectuals such as Fascists and the dick who wrote Fight Club feel the need to embrace the most outdated, antiquated, and destructive aspects of traditional masculinity, such as dominance, violence, and and a disregard for the feelings of others.

Clearly, we (primarily men, since women don’t seem to be suffering the same identity crisis) need to find a compelling, positive, constructive, and encouraging idea of what it means to be a man and what masculine behavior is. Or, we could do away with gendered behavior to begin with, but that idea’s probably a little SJW for this crowd.

A while ago i posted this as some help for coping with depression. Heres a redit and updated version

Some basic advice to aid you in defeating/coping with depression:

These are some general things you should do – they absolutely won’t harm you and they have a very high, fully proven success rate at getting people out of a dip:

1.) Change your diet:

Almost everyone dramatically underestimates the degree to which what you eat influences your mental health. The issues are numerous – effects of preservatives, colourings, too much sugar/salt/msg, blood sugar, small intolerances etc etc.

The fact is that good physical health has a knock on on your mental health – mind and body are not entirely separate.

A correctly functioning and happy digestive system can make a staggering amount of difference – you may think I’m full of shit, but if you’re full of shit then it affects your mood, this is a fact.

So, eat more fibre. Eat regular meals. Don’t overeat. Eat unprocessed food wherever possible. Good for your body, good for your health.

2.) Get some exercise.

Yeah, I know. You can hardly bring yourself to get out of bed – exercise? Am I fucking crazy?

Well, no. You don’t expect to be cured by magic do you? Forcing yourself to do something physically when you’re depressed, even though you may not see the point in it at all, is often easier by far than just being able to change the way you are thinking.

So you have to make an effort, and this one is simple enough for everyone. Go exercise – frequently and regularly, at least 30 continual minutes per day. I said “at least”. Get back to us in a week if you are still fucked up.

Exercise gets the happy chemicals flowing in and of itself. It makes your body healthier, which feeds back into your mood. In combination with the new food you are eating, you are onto a positive feedback cycle here which can only be a good thing. So go.

 

3.) Maintain or improve your social routine:

Every second of social contact you have right now is of critical value – one of the first things many people suffering from depression do is to reduce or eliminate their contact with others. They stop going out with friends, they don’t visit family, they don’t pick up (or answer!) the phone and speak to someone for a chat. Don’t do this. You may not see the point in a typical bit of office or home smalltalk, it may seem trivial and pointless and like hard work – so all you can do is to take it on faith that this sort of contact with other people is like water dripping on a moderately soluble substance – it will have a gradual effect on your problem, and – perhaps more to the point – cutting it out will have a marked negative effect on your state of mind.

4.) Lay off the drink and drugs.

Oh, Ouch. Unpopular advice – that’s how you know it’s good for you.

All or most of your mental health problems are exacerbated (made worse) by most drugs, including alcohol.
So cut back or if humanly possible – stop.
You feel bad already, what have you got to lose?

You may believe that these things are helping you, that they are one of the few things keeping you going. Sadly this is an illusion – life doesn’t tend to give out free gifts like that – you have to work for the good stuff (see: exercise).

5.) Sleep the correct amount.

Too little sleep plays havoc with your mental balance.
Depression tends to make people sleep more, and so too little sleep isn’t often a problem.. too much sleep, however, is just as bad.

In fact, where depression is concerned, too much sleep is probably worse than too little. You need to be active, and the chemicals you produce through oversleeping or just laying in bed all day are disasterous for depression. Aim for 7-8 hours uninterrupted. Try to force yourself to have your sleep at the “conventional” times – rise with daylight, sleep at night.

Not only are you biologically keyed to do this anyway, but your connection to the world and opportunities for social interaction kind of depend on you keeping the same daily calendar as.. well, pretty much everyone else.

Furthermore…

6.) Natural light

You need this. There’s a reason that people get gloomy in winter (Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD (ooh clever)). Low levels of exposure to natural light affects the release of various chemicals in the pineal gland in your brain, and is very similar to sleeping too much AND too little at the same time.

So if you are closing the curtains to avoid the world – open them. If you work in a window-less environment, take frequent breaks by a window, seriously. It’s a small small change to your life which has enormous results.

 

7.) In terms of medicating yourself there are a lot of scientific literature on the effects of over the counter products that help keep your mood regulated. St. Johns wort is HIGHLY recommend for those with mild depression or even high anxiety and stress. Omega 3 oils from fish also keep your hormonal levels in check.

Finally some other resources i have used to help is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Moodgym is an amazing resource for this. And it gave me personally a lot of assistance in my thinking and outlook. It is really really useful.

 Sites and links for coping. These are not professional links, but they helped me with coping a LOT!.

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thequietplace  [A website designed for a moment to meditate]

http://www.futureme.org/sessions/new [Write a letter to your future self. So many times have i received a letter from myself and it really gave a good perspective. Each time im sad i write to myself, and every now and then when i cant cope, i get random supportive messages from myself. Its a supportive circle]

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedawnroom/?page=thedawnroom&lang= [When you just cant even]

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thedreamsroom/comfortspot [Talk to a stranger]

http://thequietplaceproject.com/thethoughtsroom/?page=thethoughtsroom&lang= [Need some quiet space?]

 

anxious

Im getting anxiety attacks now. This morning I woke up and started to look at videos on how people are /were coping with suicide.

I’m thinking about it a lot.

Im thinking about how im going to get my scheduled things done while fitting in suicide like its a chore. “I have to study for this exam and also think about when its conconvenient to put this knife through my throat.” When in sitting on the train im thinking about what I should eat and whether id survive a collision with the 3pm bankstown line to liverpool.

Ive taken the opportunity to consistently medicate myself with fish oils vitamin d and st johns wort. And so far my moon has not dipped to extremes.

 pleasure has become a  distraction too. Admittedly ive done it 3 times in a row. A day. Thats the stuff I used to do when I was 16. Unbelievable. Ive been so stressed.

Rationally im trying to not force myself to be a normal person.  Im just making an effort to just do things that make me happy or relaxed.

Im really trying to not be a victim to myself. I dont need or want self pity. Indulging in my own selfishness. Im just working through this. Really slowly.

 

No talent

Maybe you have a nick for brightening someone’s day, comforting them in times of despair? Perhaps helping others in ways that require not much material talent? In my opinion, that would the best and most useful talent there is.

There is absolutely no reason to think you are a mistake. It may sound cliche, but nobody is intrinsically better than you. Nobody is cooler than you. They didn’t go to cool school. The fact that you have TRIED all these things makes you open-minded, adventurous.
Maybe you may not be the best at what you do, or even good. But hey, learning new things is always a first step. Maybe you just haven’t found your talent, or perhaps you may be even overlooking a talent you already have.
You sound like a warm-hearted person, a little inspiration can go a long way.

I know, us talentless people have some things to overcome, like we will never get to hear “Oh look at that young lad, he/she will have a bright future.” Or we may never get to invent anything new, but when you say you have no talent, you are probably comparing yourself to others who do have talent. You are talentless compared to what? Look, I can’t help you find a talent, that is your job to do, but you are definitely not a mistake and not a laughing stock.

Find something you are passionate about, but you can’t be lazy about it. If you really love something, you would indulge yourself in it and naturally, you will be good at it. It doesn’t have to be writing, doesn’t have to be an instrument, nor a sport, nor computer engineering. Maybe helping others, maybe you work well with animals, try joining a community service organization, maybe try creative writing (endless possibilities, just takes some imagination and your own little world that you can create).

I don’t know. Talent doesn’t have to be something others perceive as talent. If you are good are your own thing, that is a talent. Not sure if anything made sense. haha

Concluding remarks, there is an endless amount of “talents” out there and you just haven’t found your own to claim as a talent. Just explore and it will come to you.