its 1:13.

its late in the night but i had a random panic attack and even though i can sleep i just dont want to rest my head and close my eyes. 

Im not feeling sad at the moment. The emotion is neutral. I just have this throbbing headace probably from the tiredness.

Every few seconds the room tilts like a click. Like if you had an image pasted onto the hands of the clock and it just tilts rapidly like the second hand. Tick…..tick.

Having time to think to myself makes me realise how many people i have treated horribly, cruelly and how many cringe worthy moments where i have just behaved poorly. I am surprised at the fact that people would even want to talk to me or even consider me as a friend.

I try to be nice to others, and notice the people who are left out. But all i want to do is be left alone. I have this conflict of seeking others for comfort but rejecting that very notion.

Kinda like a lonely hedge hog. 

Even typing this makes me cringe. Goodnight.

134 days.

134 days ago i wrote about how i wanted to commit suicide. That feeling has resurfaced again. 

Im still trying to understand my depression. For something that has stuck with me for so long i haven’t really sat down and talked with him. He’s just there. 

I cut myself yesterday, i had to. The feeling was something familiar, like welcoming an old friend. Like sitting in a warm bath. 

It was painful. At first i slid the knife along my arm tentatively. Gently. Being reacquainted with the sensation. Fear welled up in my stomach. Replacing the static noise of the black feeling i had earlier. Pain, fear and adrenalin rose up when i decided to scrape a little harder, seeing how deep i felt like going.

A few strokes later and the pain buzzed. I stopped feeling sad. All that was replaced with the burning of my arm. I felt immediately better.

Mom said grandma was getting worse, she said she had to stay a little longer in VN just for a while. I miss mom.

I want to tell her i’m not feeling okay anymore. I want to go to the doctors soon. 

I know ill be fine. I know if i ever want to kill myself any time soon, ill sleep on it.

Deprivation.

Sleeping on 5 hours consistently for half a year does things to a man. Ive lost weight, or gained it. I dont know. Ive lost memory.

My holiday was short and busy. Not really like a holiday but more so an obligated trip to do planned activities and risk illness and misadventure. Which has always happened to me everytime i go out….

Im kind of cranky at the moment, feeling empty and disinterested in anything and everything. In fact i just dont even know how i feel at times. Im in this bubble of tedium,

I hate 8am starts.

I tend to sleep at 12 and get up at 6. Barely making it for ample sleep. How do people do it, get up so early in the morning. Honestly…

It feels like i havent grown up quickly enough…..

I noticed

I noticed the older i get, the less i see people as….individuals.

 

Instead i see them as a combination of people i’ve met. A personality trait, a mannerism, an action all fragments of a memory or a place, time or event.

If i know someone long enough, the break into that mold, and the ghosts of who they used to remind me fall into step.

I guess it’s the same when they see me. I must have been similar to someone they loved, hated or known about. And i think this feeling is pretty well-known among the people i talk to.

Some days you meet someone who don’t reflect a fragment of your past. Its refreshing. And soon after you get used to who they are, know their quirks and preferences. You feel like you can pin them down pretty well.

Sometimes i forget this, and i pin down a butterfly assumption. Only to be reminded that people can change so rapidly. And what you thought you can captured turns to intangible dust.

Writing is all i know.

Im just going to return to good old typing. Just therapeutic thinking.

For the past couple of weeks ive been a little more stressed than i have been, and i am still quite stressed. However i think there isnt a reason to really go into detail about why that is the case, im just going to try to take it in my stride and get on by. 

For a part i blame the easy access to the internet and all its distractions. Its very easy to escape and just forget about everything, and i have just been doing it everytime i cant cope with anything. And because of that, once the glamor of procrastination ends, im faced with a bigger task, and i go back to escapism again.

Well its a question of how to deal with the elephant in the room. All i know right know is that the only way to eat an elephant is to make it into small manageable bites. So even if at least i have to rush finishing everything that’s due, i only have to deal with something that was smaller than i had originally left it.