I noticed

I noticed the older i get, the less i see people as….individuals.

 

Instead i see them as a combination of people i’ve met. A personality trait, a mannerism, an action all fragments of a memory or a place, time or event.

If i know someone long enough, the break into that mold, and the ghosts of who they used to remind me fall into step.

I guess it’s the same when they see me. I must have been similar to someone they loved, hated or known about. And i think this feeling is pretty well-known among the people i talk to.

Some days you meet someone who don’t reflect a fragment of your past. Its refreshing. And soon after you get used to who they are, know their quirks and preferences. You feel like you can pin them down pretty well.

Sometimes i forget this, and i pin down a butterfly assumption. Only to be reminded that people can change so rapidly. And what you thought you can captured turns to intangible dust.

Writing is all i know.

Im just going to return to good old typing. Just therapeutic thinking.

For the past couple of weeks ive been a little more stressed than i have been, and i am still quite stressed. However i think there isnt a reason to really go into detail about why that is the case, im just going to try to take it in my stride and get on by. 

For a part i blame the easy access to the internet and all its distractions. Its very easy to escape and just forget about everything, and i have just been doing it everytime i cant cope with anything. And because of that, once the glamor of procrastination ends, im faced with a bigger task, and i go back to escapism again.

Well its a question of how to deal with the elephant in the room. All i know right know is that the only way to eat an elephant is to make it into small manageable bites. So even if at least i have to rush finishing everything that’s due, i only have to deal with something that was smaller than i had originally left it.

Update.

Ok im being ridiculous.

Im going to try and go to the doctor and get advice on actual therapy. Hahaha. Sorry for making anyone suddenly concerned. Im not actually depressed!

In the last few weeks ive just been a little melodramatic because of whats been going on in my classes. My lab partner from overseas wont stop either asking me for help or constantly copying my answers. So when i go to ask our demo for help, i just get this look of disdain at how unorganized me and my partner are. In my other laboratory, my lab partner kinda does her own thing and pretends im not actually there. Like literally. She only talks to me if she really actually has to cooperate with me. And my last laboratory class has been excessively stressful.

Just yesterday i didn’t realize i had lab, so i got a text message by my lab buddy asking why i wasn’t in class yet. So i rushed over, an hour late, and she looks at me and just says “what the fuck man,” at this point everyone is looking at me and im super embarrassed and i don’t know how to remedy the situation. Our experiment goes wrong about 3 times over and at the last hour my partner disappears. So im there flustered, without a lab book. Asking the demos for help and they just return a glazed over look like they don’t really care. I even tell the head coordinator and shes just so fucking done with me at this point she cant even hide her disdain at how poor of a student i am. I just wanted to quit uni altogether.

I just couldn’t feel like facing these people for the next 8 weeks, nor could i imagine having to do this next semester, It makes me miserable, im tired every day trying to cram all the work in by due dates. I have constant headaches. I felt so cornered i really did contemplate suicide. 

But ‘suicide’ as a, fuck everything i hate uni work kind of thinking. I just wanted to vent my frustration inwards. I didn’t want to snap and shout at anyone i guess. Im not sad at all, but i think i need some counselling. So..yeah lool

Aside

There’s this constant pressure in my head now. Like a constant throb. Its barely noticeable at times but i can feel it when i’m still. Everything i do or say comes with trepidation. I’m walking through a field of flowers, trying to not tread on anything and when with every misstep a plant screams in agony, like a shrill agonising pain that feels sharp and blunt like a square shaped like a triangle. And every misstep makes me stumble, offset by the shock, snowballing into some sort of collapse, almost crushing all the flowers Sometimes, when i look again, the flowers are not there. And im just freely walking through a grass field. And then without notice, the flowers appear again, and the dull ache occurs, and its a demonic cycle.

 

Thats how i feel.

 

My head hurts, maybe from the sleeplessness or from the stress. My concentration lapses, and i’m angry and ashamed when it happens. I want to throw myself into something violent. Maybe distract the pulsing with a few things i enjoy. A book, a drawing perhaps. Then im embarrassed that i feel this way. I mean, i’ve already figured it out.

 

Everything is relative. Things that may seem important to you can have meaning depending on the eyes of the beholder. A death of a pet may make you grieve just the same as a death of a family member. You may throw yourself in desperation to submit a report that was only worth 2% while a short speech you had the next hour was worth 30%. Why worry? In a few years these numbers and perceived significant life events will be overwritten like a mixtape. And then those sentiments are lost in the void.

 

Pain and perception can be relative. Your anger at some certain thing would be so minimal in the grand scheme of things. Put your pain in perspective. You may be sad about losing your phone on the train, but compared to losing your hand, its not so extreme. Instead of being unhappy about a test, exam, lost phone, friendships. Appreciate that you have your life and health and  many things you take for granted.

 

And even though i can rationalise these things you can call minor, no matter how light i tread. And all these supposed solutions dont help. Self help books, taking omega three oils, staying in the sun to combat seasonal depression, exercising, taking st johns wort, everything i have researched in the last three years have been minor bandaids to the ache. A year will pass and everything seems fine, and then it hits. The flowers sprout and the screaming pointless ache pierce through my heels, crumbling the bone, and i feel at loss. And it cycles.

It’s likely ill get better. The feeling will pass again, and it’ll be like this never happened. Everything will be bright and beautiful and ill laugh and feel so happy and grateful to have my friends, family and life in of itself. But….. How many cycles will i live through? I don’t know which one will be the last and ill just submit to the pain, and crush the flowers.

 

A plan

Im planning on commiting suicide so i need to make a to do list and then find a date i would like.

Things to do:

Try and lose contact with my close friends.

Delete related accounts of me on the net, facebook especially.

Burn my old memorabillia. Get rid of anything that could be a keepsake.

Get rid of pictures.

Transfer money to family account. 

Sell my things.

More to be added…

In a months time,

Im shutting down this blog. For real this time.

Everyone i knew who used to write has just disappeared. And rather than wait and die of old age id rather bite the bullet while the romanticism of writing with my friends still lingers in this blogsphere. This is unfortunate, and i will continue the rest of my days writing into the void with my diary.

thanks for the ride guys its been fun.