Well to add on, I felt petty today.
Today i was returning a book at the library and i wanted to buy some stuff while i was out at the city.
We ended up eating and i went along with my sister to do stuff. Next thing, shops are all closing cause we wasted time in H&M.
I didnt get to buy what i wanted and we spent like 3 hours in the city for jack fucking squat.
It made me so angry and she just says, its only because i wanted to buy something.
Of fucking course i wanted to buy something.
If i knew that i would travel fuck all to the city to return a book, id have driven out to the city and throw the book in and drive home.
Im not the kind of person who likes their time wasted. I dont like returning a fucking book and try to go shopping only to find that i just ended up doing a fucking trip out to the city to return a book and fuck around in the cbd for 3 hours looking at shit.
OF FUCKING COURSE I WANT TO BUY SOMETHING BY THAT POINT. DOING NOTHING IS NOT WORTH MY TIME. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN THIS.
I know its PETTY. But i was looking fucking forward to having time to myself to do something i wanted…instead of wasting my time waiting for my sister to do window fucking shopping.
How im feeling.
I used to feel a deep dark seated sadness. And now i feel this gut feeling of fear and anxiety. And simple things that a normal person could bear with cause me so so much angst and sadness. And as soon as a problem resolves it dissapates.
It feels like if someone cut off my ear and i was in agony. And all of a sudden like some twisted magic trick it reappeared. Only to have my foot get stabbed by a pipe, and then recover.
Is this the beginnings or a panic attack?
It doesnt feel like depression. I dont feel like killing myself (not as much as i used to)
Im just incessantly anxious.
Yesterday, i died.
Well. Not exactly.
More like a spiritual death. And i guess in some ways more than one, ive died over and over. Like a caterpillar in metamorphis,
I had an episode today. A few things went wrong and suddenly i was in a maniac depressive state.
Mid sob, i stood up, walked out of my room and boiled a pot of tea. I literally supressed it. Condensed the feeling to the point where i felt numb.
And like holding back on a puke, i feel sick to the pits, i dont feel emotional. Just physically sick. I gag like i want to vomit but theres nothing that wants to come out. Like my stomach is trying to expel something that wasnt even there in the first place.
So i guess i should describe what its like.
1. Extremely frustrating intially. The first 2 weeks were the hardest. The literal sight of skin made my cheeks redden.
2. Forgettable. By the second week, i had completely forgot about it. I was much more eager and engergetic in the mornings. And i didnt feel very sleepy at any time during my waking hours.
3. Aggression. My gym sessions felt more intense. I was lifting heavier weights than i was accustomed to. More so, i felt the need to burn a lot of pent up energy doing a lot of cardio.
4. Anxious. I often had to turn to other things to calm down. Games, music, a little bit of reading.
5. Bored. I was bored constantly cause i was so transfixed on getting through a day.
5. Relief. After i finally relieved myself.
I think its nice to take a break from constant stimulus all the time. Because a lot of things you might not find arousing become the liqour of gods the next second. I think its the feeling of green grass. You dont know what youre missing out on until you have lost it.
Which brings me to people who like S&M, or essentially 50 shades of grey. People like the tease and denial because it makes it so much worth it when you get what you wanted in the end you just dont know when.
For me it made me realise that guys comsume way too much fucking porn. And i think instead of doing a no fap november. It should just be quit porn december, or the like.
I am not going to masturbate for a month. For the whole of February to be exact.
It is with immense displeasure that i write about this topic, as its not usually in the scope/taste of writing that i would like to cover. But consdering its a new year, its a new leaf. And i am going to be less restrictive of the things i write about.
Male testosterone levels on average can jump to about 140% of their usual levels. This is an interesting outcome i would like to have, I would like to see how a month of gymming and nonfap sessions takes a toll on my body.
So here goes nothing.