disenfranchisement.

Lately ive been quite happy being alone, but still desiring some company. Ive turned to online dating a few times but lately its been quite hard. Maybe i havent/dont know how to talk to girls but it feels like every opening i do tends to just scare away anyone.

For example one coversation went like:

“Hey ** are you new to sydney huh?”

“Hey yeah i am, came from ***”

“Nice! what brought you into syd?”

“Just family, my whole family live in syd”

“oh i see! So what do you usually get up to around here? Uni/work?”

And the conversation ends there

Another conversation i had on tinder went like

“Hi *** hows your day?”

“Hi Alan, pretty good, how was yours? Whats your blood type?”

“Mine is B+, pretty common for most asians, how about you?”

Silence.

Is it me? Do i have to go straight to asking for a number or am i just chatting up the wrong way?

 

some ideas i thought might contribute to the reason were

  • Im asian. One of the most statistically significant unattractive races out there.
  • Im not very interesting [I dont have an outstanding hobby or skill i vouch on]
  • My conversational style sounds like an interview/coversation with your teacher on parent teacher night

 

I think i have to take a risk and maybe just give a girl my number and hopes she calls me. (realistically though, i dont see that as being very successful)

stop.

I’m aware that I share a lot of myself over the internet. People like to mention it, for some reason. I share even more of myself in person, actually. It’s all done to stop people from questioning further, so the bits I really don’t want to share stay hidden simply because no one knows they’re there.

Actually it bothers me. I get the impression that people seem to think i’m caught unawares, and i tend to play along cause its honestly very weird to just go “Yes, i chose to do that. ON purpose. And its not a little secret we share so pls stop”

“We found that highly extroverted people are happier with their lives because they tend to hold a positive, nostalgic view of the past and are less likely to have negative thoughts and regrets, said the study author Professor Ryan Howell, a psychologist at San Francisco State University.

“People high on the neurotic scale essentially have the exact opposite view of the past and are less happy as a result.

“This is good news because although it may be difficult to change your personality, you may be able to alter your view of time and boost your happiness,” Prof Howell said.

The authors suggest that “savouring” happy memories or “reframing” painful past experiences in a positive light could be effective ways for individuals to increase their life satisfaction.

Numerous studies over the last 30 years have suggested that personality is a powerful predictor of a person’s life satisfaction.

These latest findings help explain the reason behind this relationship.

“Personality traits influence how people look at the past, present and future and it is these different perspectives on time which drive a person’s happiness,” Prof Howell said.

To assess time perspective, participants were asked such questions as whether they enjoy reminiscing about the “good old days” or whether they believe their future is determined by themselves or by fate.

People’s view of the past had the greatest effect on life satisfaction.

Extraverts, who are energetic and talkative, were much more likely to remember the past positively and be happier as a result.

People high on the neurotic scale, which can mean being moody, emotionally unstable and fretful, were more likely to have an anguished remembrance of the past and to be less happy.

Insomnia-sol

Solitary gym sessions are one of the things that really helps.Just the backdrop of loud throbbing music and noise.

Is it that utter loneliness you feel in insomnia? When every single person, absconds into slumber. When you’re the only one left awake, mind buzzing like a ill-tuned radio. Crisp white noise humming a lullaby. Green facebook dots flitting to gray.
Its times like this i remember the sounds of msn messenger.

 

And I just want that.

Some days i have specific memory loss. . All the memories i have of people i created memories with are wiped clean. Its odd now that i think about knowing these people when i was 16, impact me so greatly now.

 

Im not as original as i make out to be.

 

It was my birthday.

Yesterday.

And for the most part it was nice. But something from the past had to rear its face and im left with a dark dark feeling.

On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is the crushing depression that wants to consume my total being, im about a 6.

Its not pleasant, but its enough to make me wonder why im feeling this way.

 

I guess maybe cause im 25. I want to get married. I want to have a son, a daughter.

I want to pass on something significant, to have a better half, to have some semblance of meaning to what im doing.

 

So far, though, im irrational. And i can see it in the way i write. Nondescript. Broken sentences and nothing really flows from one line to the next. So i guess ill just write this feeling down.

Like some sort of emotional printer, i guess i need to offload the excess and commune with my spirituality.

SERIOUSLY.

Why do i have thoughts of suicide? Why do people even have thoughts of suicide. Like some morbid fascination with it.

I just want to die. And i go to bed, and the last thing i see before i sleep is just suffocating myself. A silk tie, a door knob, and sliding my weight into the wall.

 

I can see myself, mind screaming and racing. Automatic. Fingers and regret tugging at the knot. Leg jerking and capillaries rupture. And then a fade. A dimming of the lights.

And with that creative description of self wallowing sadness. Im going to eat some birthday cake and enjoy a little bit of tea.