So apparently i have a faulty heart.

Recently i had an ECG just for practice and when i looked at my result, someone pointed out that i had an odd wave shape for my heartbeat.

Turns out i have a RBBB

A right bundle branch block (RBBB) is a heart block in the electrical conduction system. During a right bundle branch block, the right ventricle is not directly activated by impulses travelling through the right bundle branch. The left ventricle however, is still normally activated by the left bundle branch.

Normally, electrical impulses within your heart’s muscle signal it to beat (contract). These impulses travel along a pathway, including the right and the left bundles. If one or both of these branch bundles become damaged — due to a heart attack, for example — this change can block the electrical impulses and cause your heart to beat abnormally.

The underlying cause for bundle branch blocks may differ depending on whether the left or right bundle branch is affected. It’s also possible that this condition can occur without any known underlying cause. Specific causes may include:

  • A heart abnormality that’s present at birth (congenital) — such as atrial septal defect, a hole in the wall separating the upper chambers of the heart
  • A heart attack (myocardial infarction)
  • A viral or bacterial infection of the heart muscle (myocarditis)
  • High blood pressure (hypertension)
  • A blood clot in the lungs (pulmonary embolism)

The main complication of bundle branch block is a slow heart rate, which can sometimes cause fainting.

People who have a heart attack and develop a bundle branch block have a higher chance of complications, including sudden cardiac death, than do people who have heart attacks and don’t develop a bundle branch block.

Because bundle branch block affects the electrical activity of your heart, it can sometimes complicate the accurate diagnosis of other heart conditions, especially heart attacks, and lead to delays in proper management of those problems.

Luckily most people with bundle branch block are symptom-free and don’t need treatment. Im positive that this is a benign factor, and healthy diet and exercise should really minimise any risks that would be likely from this defect.

Science aside, how does that make me feel?

A little stressed and worried, but since its not life threatening, im more or less alarmed at i never knew about it until today. At 24 years old. Its an odd thing to hear.


Deactivating my facespace.

Dating girls is hard. Finding sane girls is harder.

Ive been having a tough time with my mental health lately. Im going to try and ease into some healthy habits again since ive actually got lazy with my depression management plan.

I will write up a little more about how i manage my depression and also provide some resources with how to manage it.

This has been my 7th year dealing with maniac depressive episodes.

Isnt that crazy?

Ill be honest, right now im teetering on the edge of it, id say from a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being happy and 10 being extremely suicidal, i would be about a 5/5 and a half.

Its been about a month [as you can see from my last post] since ive been put to this extreme but i am well within reasonable moods.

Have a lovely day/night readers.

Not sure if anyone still reads my blog [Ive made sure to make it difficult to access/boring to read/completely inane] but there are always some people who seem to visit from time to time.


Even though it starts again. i wont fucking let it.

I wont let it happen this year. Nor the next. I cant say itll end now. Maybe itll never end.

But not this year, fuck depression and depressive episodes.

I can feel it coming. Like fucking flu season. It feels like a heavy weight, vacumming any sense of joy from the inside. Like my heart was replaced with glue. Like anything bright and beautiful looked better in black.


Not this year. Im going to fight it and fight it and fight it.

Im going to take my vaccines and my chill pills and my fucking lovable dog poppy.


Dissillusioned hobbies.

When i quit gaming for several months, i didnt feel different. In fact i felt a little lost.

I get the impression that whatever i do is just for my own self gatification.

Its like i need to set my mind on something to escape in or else i go crazy.

right now I realise that i have been wasting a lot of time trying to find a new hobby.


And when i look at everyong else, its kinda the same thing. Everyone i know either has a passion in, music, reading, running, exercising, photos,  posting on social networks, etc etc etc.


Im not exactly sure what im gong to decide to do from here out really.

The long weekend has given me a lot of introspection about the future. And im just realising that ive wasted a lot of time doing things that arent worth my time.


Remember my last post how i said books are a waste of time?

Well i guess i have an answer for myself. Do something that you think is worth your time.

Do something that brings out your humanity, that marks you as a person. We shouldn’t worry about temporary things. Books crumble, keepsakes rust, love letters fade over time. But in some sense, these useless things leave a permanent echo in your soul. It ripples across time and space.

Just like when one drops a stone in a lake. After a period of time, the water appears to fall still. When we look closer, or even on the horizon, one can see tiny miniscule waves that reflect off the amber lights. The ripples might appear to have stopped. But we just can’t see it. Only visible to those who look closely enough.




Lost and losing.

Books make me feel a certain way.

For some reason i remember going to an old ladys house as a child and looking at all the dusty books she had on her shelves.

In my mind i wondered, why read all these books all your life and keep them when you are going to return to the ground in the end?

Books almost seem, like a waste of your time. You read them, and your memories of them will fade with age. Theres almost no point to reading.


When im alone and bored, i browse things i did in the past. Things i wrote, embarassing things. This i shouldnt say to public, music, videos things i made as a human being that doesnt really matter in the end.

We try to preserve ourselves and form a vision of our being that we can feel content with, to kind of escape the reality of how banal these sorts of efforts are.


I dont know why i really stopped reading books, but i feel like. Even if its true. Even if im escaping from myself. I still want to read boring, useless texts.

I want to write, and preseve everything that i do, embarassing or not.


Id rather be unfiltered than try and turn my work into poetry.